Ain't No Shakespeare

This tongue-in-cheek piece was written for Carry on Tuesday's prompt

'parting is such sweet sorrow'

and Weekend Wordsmith's prompt

'Maul'

I thought about writing something all sweet and flowery for Carry on Tuesday, but then I vomited a little and decided I'd toss the 'Maul' prompt into the mix and head in a totally different direction.

Oh, and if you haven't read my previous post and want to exchange links, let me know!

Enjoy!

Parting is such sweet sorrow. Unless you've dated the assholes I've had the pleasure of knowing. Then you just want them to roll over and get the hell out. To say that my love life thus far has been utterly dismal is to say that Hiroshima was a big explosion. Talk about an understatement. Love ain't all roses and romance, honey, sometimes it's about having your heart mauled and mangled until there's nothing but bloody strips of severed flesh left to show for it.

Cynical? Maybe. But the truth is, fairy tales aren't real, or they wouldn't be called tales. They'd be documentaries. Try as you like, no matter how much you kiss that frog, in the morning he'll still be a frog. And he'll most likely leave his underwear lying on the floor.

It's enough to make a gal bitter, but don't let it. Not only is it not worth the pain, but if you do, that bitterness will fester within you, bubbling and broiling and eating away at you until there's nothing left but a brittle shell of resentment and loathing. That never looks pretty in a bridesmaid dress. And there will be plenty of those. It will seem like everyone around you is getting hitched; everyone but you. But, just remember two things: a frog doesn't look all that good in a tux, and being a single woman isn't the vacuous pit of vicious desperation that society would make it out to be. Alone and lonely don't have to be synonymous.

Does all this mean that you are 'doomed' to a life of solitary singleness? No. Not if you don't want to be. Personally, I enjoy being single most of the time. I can do what I want, when I want, with whomever I want and there's nobody texting me wondering when the hell I'll be home, and can I pick up some beer on the way? But, if you still long to be shackled in the chains of matrimonial bliss remember this: not all men are assholes. It's shocking, I know, but it's true. That guy you met in Caribou yesterday might always be a frog, but he's cute, funny, and interesting, so what are you waiting for?

Of course, if it doesn't work out I hear frogs legs make a great delicacy.

'Ain't No Shakespeare' Copyright Patricia Schoenberger 2/19/11, all rights reserved worldwide.